Integrative Seminar Week 6

This class was sort of a review of the ‘Who Am I?’ essay that we had to write as our last assignment.The essay was to include 3-4 metaphors and also 6-7 words that we had written about ourselves earlier.After letting the faculty review my essay and implementing the feedback given,this is what I came up with:

Looking Through The Persona

Ashlesha Desai,FYS-G

As a 17-year-old young adult who’s still trying to navigate through life, the question ‘Who am I?’ appears very daunting. Over the last few weeks of my life, as I tried to figure out the answer to this, I realized that throughout my life span, I never really set time aside to ‘self-reflect’.
I sometimes feel like my life is pretty ‘average’. I never did understand why people refer to it as a roller coaster, the only time mine resembles a roller coaster is the impatience one feels before the ride while waiting in the long line. I hear my friends narrating thrilling experiences they’ve had in their life, and when it’s my chance to speak I’ll just blurt out, ‘I pulled an all-nighter for an exam and got great marks!’ They just roll their eyes and say, ‘You’re so intelligent, you’ll manage that without studying also.’

I’ve lived a lot of my life under pressure. Usually it’s the pressure coming from expectations. Expectations from my parents, my family, my friends, and worst of all, expectations from myself. I feel like it’s my job to fulfill all of them, and live up to what others think of me constantly. And that’s hard to do. It’s made me become self-critical, and that led to becoming a judgmental person in general. I try to change it about myself every day, but thoughts regarding “What will people think?” nag the back of my mind 24/7.

I am being quite moody as I write this. Usually my blabber could beat Draupadi’s saree, but it is so difficult to condense my life in an essay with a word limit. So, I must skip through topics without any structure in mind, thanks to both, my impatience and indecisiveness. You know how when you’re about to sleep, you constantly feel like there’s a bee buzzing and dancing around your ears? That be buzzes in my head. I have so many creative ideas, so many things to say, but because I’m generally bad at expressing my thoughts and emotions, I’ll say something that ‘sounds appropriate.’

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always been up for arguments. I would visibly frown and scream if I heard anyone laugh, just because I’d conveniently assume, they’re laughing at me. And I’d yell out loud, “Why are you laughing?” It is in my nature to be ready with arguments because I’ve grown up around a lot of them. Arguments about trivial things in the house, escalating to full-fledged fights. All this negativity has led to two things: a short temper and passive-aggressiveness. But here’s the good thing about my temper! You know when you’re eating pani puri and the spice hits you, and then disappears down your gullet immediately? That’s how my temper works. It has a brief moment where the situation is red hot, and then it cools off rapidly. I don’t think that’s still a good thing, because it makes me really impulsive. I take decisions in that moment which I end up regretting later. Else due to lack of expressing emotions, as mentioned before, I’ll simply burst out crying when I’m furious.

Dealing with such situations also has its advantages. I’ve learnt how to make the best of anything coming along my way. I’ve learnt how to make amends and set my priorities straight. And I’ve also learnt that ego or attitude will get a person nowhere in life (learnt that one the hard way.) And I think I’m improving. It’s like when you drop your phone on the asphalt and hear a nice crunch. The tempered glass is damaged beyond repair, but the phone still works.
I’ve had quite a few low points in my life. I don’t take care of myself the way my body deserves, and don’t love myself enough to love others. But I’m learning. I’m trying to be more optimistic, and being able to show the gratitude that I have to everything and everyone around me. My journey to self-discovery had just begun, and I’m pretty sure it’s lasting for a long time!

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